Cry Insults: Tease Their Tearful Outbursts

If your tears could talk, they'd have their own podcast, and it would be a bestseller, but it would also be really, really depressing.

Do you have a 'Crying for Dummies' book, because it seems like you've read and mastered every chapter?

I'm starting to think that your tears are not just tears, but a magical, mystical elixir that you use to attract drama and attention wherever you go.

It seems like your life motto is 'When in doubt, cry,' and honestly, it's a strategy that seems to be working for you, albeit not in a particularly healthy way.

Your life is like a never-ending, poorly written soap opera, and honestly, I'm a little bored with the plot twists.

Do you have a secret contract with the makers of tissues, because you're certainly doing your part to keep them in business?

Your emotional range is as vast as a desert, but instead of sand, it's filled with tears and regret.

If there were an award for 'Most Likely to Cry at Any Given Moment,' you'd be the front runner every year.

Do you have a special alarm clock that goes off every time you need to cry, or is that just your internal monologue?

In a world where emotions are currencies, you'd be bankrupt from overspending on sadness.

You must have a special talent for finding the saddest, most heartbreaking part of any situation and focusing on that.

If crying could be a competitive sport, you'd be a gold medalist, and you'd have a trophy case full of participation medals.

Do you have a special cry-for-help button that you press whenever things get too tough, or is that just your natural response to adversity?

I've seen more positivity in a pessimist, and that's saying something.

Your ability to turn any situation into a reason to cry is impressive, in a sad, pathetic kind of way.

You're like a superhero, but instead of saving the world, you're just saving your tears for a rainy day.

I've heard of people being emotional, but you're on a whole different level – you're like a human rollercoaster of emotions.

You must have a special talent for finding the sadness in every situation and focusing on that.

You know what they say: 'Crying is for the weak,' but in your case, it's more like 'Crying is for you, always, no matter what.'

I've seen onions with more emotional control than you.

Your tears are so abundant, I'm starting to think you're trying to solve the world's water crisis single-handedly.

Do you cry during rom-coms, or is that just your default setting?

You must be a professional mourner, because I've never seen anyone make a career out of crying as much as you.

Your emotional stability is as fragile as a glass vase in a toddler's playroom.

If crying were an Olympic sport, you'd be the champion, the coach, and the judge all at once.

Are you allergic to happiness, or does it just make you cry because it's so foreign to you?

Your crying fits are so frequent, I'm starting to think they're not fits at all, but just your normal, baseline emotional state.

You cry more than a kid who just found out Santa isn't real, and honestly, that kid has a better excuse.

I'm not saying you're overly sensitive, but I've seen houseplants that can handle criticism better than you.

Do you have a degree in drama, or did you just decide one day to turn your life into a never-ending soap opera?

If your life were a movie, it would be a tear-jerker, but not in a good way – more like in a 'I'm bored and I want my money back' kind of way.

You're like a human version of a sad clown, except instead of being sad on the inside and happy on the outside, you're just sad all the time.

I've seen more stoic reactions at a funeral, and at least those people have a valid reason to cry.

Your emotional depth is as shallow as a kiddie pool, but at least kiddie pools are fun.

Do you have a 'Cry of the Day' calendar, because it seems like every day is a special occasion for tears with you?

You must be the reason they say 'no crying in baseball,' because clearly, you'd turn any sport into an emotional spectacle.