The High and Mighty: Insults for Tall People

If I had to guess, I'd say your height is just a side effect of eating too much growth hormone as a kid.

Being this tall can't be fun, but at least you're not alone – there are other freaks of nature out there, too.

You must be secretly a streetlight, because you're always towering over everyone and lighting the way.

You must have the strongest neck in the world to hold up that massive head of yours.

If you were a tree, you'd be a redwood, but instead, you're just a tall, gangly human with coordination issues.

Do you have to pay extra for airline seats, or do you just straddle the row and hope for the best?

I'm starting to think your height is not a gift, but a cruel joke played on you by the universe.

Being this tall must make you feel like a giant among men, but really, you're just a target for every low-flying bird.

If you stood in the Grand Canyon, you'd still be visible from space, and that's just not natural.

I've seen less impressive specimens at a museum, and at least they're not alive and bumping into things.

If you were a building, you'd be a lean-to, because that's about the only structure that could support your lanky frame.

You must have to tie your shoes with a pulley system, because bending down is just not an option.

You must have a special talent for bumping into things, because it's not like you can see them coming or anything.

If you were a type of food, you'd be a really long, awkward pretzel that's hard to dip in cheese.

I'm trying to imagine what it's like being you, but all I can think of is how much I'd hate being that tall.

You know what they say: 'the taller they are, the harder they fall', and I'm just waiting for gravity to catch up with you.

I heard your height is just a result of a bet gone wrong between God and the devil.

I've seen less clumsy people at a toddler's birthday party, and at least they have the excuse of being drunk on juice boxes.

You must be secretly a giant, because the only way to explain your height is if you're hiding a beanstalk in your backyard.

I'm starting to think your height is just a result of a freak accident involving a can of silly string and a jet engine.

If you were a type of animal, you'd be a giraffe, but instead, you're just a tall, gangly human with bad posture.

You must have to register yourself as a historical landmark, because that's the only way to explain your sheer scale.

I've seen less awkwardness in a drunken flamingo, and at least they have the excuse of being drunk.

You must be part-skyscraper, because the only way to explain your height is if you're secretly a building in disguise.

I'm starting to think your height is just a side effect of eating too much spinach as a kid.

If you were a piece of furniture, you'd be a really tall, rickety bookshelf that's just waiting to fall over.

Being this tall must be awesome, because you get to experience the joy of being a human skyscraper with really bad plumbing.

You must be secretly a giant, because the only way to explain your height is if you're hiding a magical bean in your pocket.

Do you have to have your shoes custom-made, or do you just wear clown shoes and hope for the best?

I'm starting to think your height is just a result of a freak accident involving a can of silly string and a jet engine.

If you were a type of food, you'd be a really long, awkward pretzel that's hard to dip in cheese.

If you were any taller, you'd be a professional basketball player, but sadly, you lack skill.

I'm not saying you're tall, but I heard the moon is jealous of your altitude.

Your height is just a myth perpetuated by the ladder industry to sell more products.

You're like a human skyscraper, but instead of offices, you're filled with empty space.

If you were any taller, you'd have your own gravitational pull and start attracting satellites.

I've seen shorter redwood trees, but at least they have the decency to be sturdy.

Your tallness is just a clever ruse to distract us from your lack of personality.

You must be the human version of the Leaning Tower of Pisa, because you're always slightly off-balance.

Tall, dark, and handsome? More like tall, awkward, and 'please don't make me look up at you'.

If you stood up straight, you'd be visible from space, and that's just a terrifying thought.

Being tall doesn't make you special, it just makes you an easy target for birds flying overhead.

I'm starting to think your height is not a blessing, but a curse from a disgruntled deity.

Do you ever get tired of being asked to reach high shelves, or is that just your sole purpose in life?

At your height, you're not just a person, you're a human skyscraper with a bad haircut.

The only thing more impressive than your height is the number of doorframes you've ducked under.

You're so tall, you need oxygen tanks just to reach your own brain.

Your tallness is like a superpower, but instead of flying or super strength, you just get to change light bulbs without a ladder.

Tall people like you are the reason we have to buy extension cords for our extension cords.

You know what they say: 'the taller they are, the harder they fall', and boy, are you going to fall hard.

Being this tall can't be easy, but at least you have a great view of the world – from your nose down.

You must have been born in a wind tunnel, because that's the only way to explain how stretched out you are.

Do you have to buy your pants from a sail maker, because those are some long legs you've got there.

You know, I've been thinking, and I've come to the realization that your height is actually a form of punishment.

You're so tall, you make giraffes look like they're standing in holes.

If you laid down, you could be a decent highway, but at least highways don't have acne.

Being tall doesn't make you better than anyone; it just means you have a higher chance of hitting your head.

I'm pretty sure I saw a bird building a nest in your hair the other day – congratulations, you're a landlord.

I've heard of people having high standards, but yours must be in orbit around the Earth.

Your height is starting to make me feel like a garden gnome, and not the cool kind, either.

Do you have to register yourself as a skyscraper in some states, because that's just ridiculous.