**Old Insults**: Because Age is Just a Number

I'm not saying you're old, but I heard the early bird special is named after you.

Your birth certificate is a historical document.

You're so old, you remember when a tablet was something you took for a headache.

You're so old, you've got a 'get off my lawn' sign, but it's in Braille.

I've seen more excitement at a DMV.

I've seen more excitement at a library's silent reading room on a Sunday afternoon.

You're older than most of the trees in the forest, and they're all dead.

You're so old, you've got a flip phone, and it's not ironic.

You're so old, you remember when 'emo' was just a bad haircut.

You've got more creaks and groans than an old wooden floor.

You're not getting older, you're just becoming more 'crusty', like a bad loaf of bread.

You're so old, you remember when 'swag' was just a bad word for 'awkward'.

You're older than the concept of 'fashion', you're a relic from the past.

You're older than the first social media platform, and that's ancient history.

I'm starting to think you're not old, you're just 'seasoned', like a bad salad that's been left out too long.

I've seen more excitement at a library's silent reading room.

You've got more complaints than a bad Yelp review of a bad restaurant.

You're not getting older, you're just becoming more 'grumpy', like a bad old man who's lost his teeth.

I'm starting to think you're not old, you're just 'experienced', like a bad amusement park ride that's been shut down.

You've got more wrinkles than a Shar-Pei's face after a long nap.

You've got more creaks and groans than an old wooden rocking chair that's been used too much.

I've seen more life in a fossilized dinosaur bone that's been dead for millions of years.

Your age is like a fine wine, it only gets more bitter with time.

Your hearing is worse than a politician's promises.

You're older than Google, and that's saying something.

You're not over the hill, you're just on the other side, where the view is worse.

I've seen more energy at a retirement home bingo night.

Your back goes out more often than you do.

You're older than the internet, and almost as slow.

I've heard of senior moments, but yours are more like senior years.

You're so old, you've got a picture of Moses in your high school yearbook.

You're older than the first iPhone, and that's ancient history.

You've got more aches and pains than a chiropractor's office.

I've seen more excitement at a timeshare presentation.

You're so old, you've been around longer than the concept of 'cool'.

You're older than most of the people who made the pyramids.

Your energy levels are lower than a snake's belly.

I've seen more life in a sedated sloth.

You're so old, you remember when 'hashtag' was just a pound sign.

Your age is like a bad haircut, it just keeps getting worse.

You're older than the first tweet, and that's a real 'fowl' mouth.