Eye Insults: Where 20/20 Vision Meets 0/10 Personality

If eyes are the windows to the soul, then your soul must be a dirty, rundown carnival that's been abandoned for years.

If eyes are the windows to the soul, then your soul must be a landfill, because it's always filled with trash and garbage.

Your gaze is as captivating as a glass of warm milk, completely boring.

I've seen better-looking eyes on a stuffed animal, and at least it's not trying to be stylish.

You look like you're always looking for a way out, and it's probably because you're trapped in your own miserable existence.

I'm starting to think your eyes are actually two tiny black holes, and that's why they're always sucking the life out of the room.

You have the kind of eyes that make me wonder if you're secretly a genius, because they're always looking at something that's invisible to the rest of us.

I've seen people with more expressive eyes on a Mr. Potato Head toy, and at least it's fun to play with.

You look like you're perpetually constipated, and it's probably because you're always straining to think.

You have the kind of eyes that make me wonder if you're secretly a spy, because they're always looking around suspiciously.

Your eyes are as dull as a butter knife, completely uninteresting.

I'm starting to think your eyes are actually two tiny mirrors, and that's why they're always reflecting the ugliness of your soul.

You look like you're always looking for something, and it's probably your dignity.

Your peepers are so weak, I'm pretty sure I could blow them out with a single puff of air.

You have the kind of eyes that make me wonder if you're secretly a master of disguise, because they're always changing shape and size.

Your eyes are so beady, they look like two shiny BBs that have been lodged in your skull.

If eyes are the windows to the soul, then your soul must be a dark, damp cave that's home to a family of bats.

Your gaze is as captivating as a video of paint drying, completely mind-numbing.

Your gaze is as intense as a feather duster, completely underwhelming, and it's probably because you're always dusting away your own existence.

I'm starting to think your eyes are actually two tiny black holes, and that's why they're always sucking the life out of the room, and it's probably because you're always sucking the life out of everything.

Your eyes are as dull as a lecture on crop rotation, completely putting me to sleep, and it's probably because you're always talking about nothing.

You have the kind of eyes that make me wonder if you're secretly a genius, because they're always looking at something that's invisible to the rest of us, and it's probably because you're always thinking about nothing.

Your peepers are so small, I'm pretty sure I could cover them with a dime and still have room to spare, and they're probably not very useful anyway.

I've seen people with more expressive eyes on a plush toy, and at least it's cuddly, and it's probably more interesting than you are.

You look like you're perpetually constipated, and it's probably because you're always straining to think, and you're always thinking about nothing.

Your eyes are so sunken, I'm starting to think you're slowly being consumed by your own face, and it's a good thing, because you're probably not very interesting anyway.

If eyes are the windows to the soul, then your soul must be a dark, damp cave that's home to a family of bats, and they're always flying around in circles.

I've seen better-looking eyes on a mannequin, and at least it's not pretentious.

Your eyes are so beady, they look like two shiny BBs that have been lodged in your skull, and they're always spinning around in circles.

Your gaze is as captivating as a bag of potato chips, completely boring.

I'm starting to think your eyes are actually two tiny time bombs, and that's why they're always ticking away.

Your eyes are as dull as a plain paperclip, completely uninteresting.

I've seen people with more expressive eyes on a doll, and at least it's not trying to be lifelike.

You look like you're always looking for something to complain about, and it's probably because you're always unhappy.

I've seen better-looking eyes on a cartoon character, and at least it's not trying to be realistic.

I'm starting to think your eyes are actually two tiny cameras, and that's why they're always taking pictures of the inside of your skull.

Your eyes are like two dull pencils, completely useless for anything except maybe poking out someone else's eye.

I'm not saying your eyes are bad, but I've seen better-looking eyes on a plate of deviled eggs.

You have the kind of eyes that make me wonder if you're secretly a lizard person, because they're scaly and unblinking.

Your eyes are so sunken, I'm starting to think you're slowly being consumed by your own face.

If eyes are the windows to the soul, then your soul must be a dingy, run-down motel with a 'vacancy' sign that's been broken for years.

I've seen more life in a pair of marbles, and at least they're symmetrical.

You look like you stuck your finger in a socket and it backfired, leaving you with those electrified, frazzled eyes.

Your eyes are so big and round, I'm pretty sure I saw a family of four living in one of them.

I'm starting to think you're secretly a cyborg, because your eyes seem to be made of a cheap, low-resolution LED screen.

Your gaze is as captivating as a lecture on crop rotation, completely putting me to sleep.

I've seen people with more expressive eyes on a corpse.

You must be a master thief, because you're always stealing the spotlight with your atrocious eye makeup.

If your eyes were any closer together, they'd be kissing.

Your gaze is as empty as the promise of a timeshare salesperson.

I'm not saying your eyes are ugly, but they make me want to donate to a charity that helps people with unfortunate facial features.

You have the eyes of a sedated sloth, completely unimpressed by life.

Your peepers are so small, I'm starting to think you're a cave-dwelling creature.

I've seen more attractive eye holes on a potato.

Your gaze is as intense as a sleepy kitten, completely underwhelming.

You look like you're perpetually surprised by something, and it's probably the fact that you're still alive.

I'm starting to think your eyes are actually two tiny portals to another dimension, and that's why they're always so blank and unresponsive.

Your eyes are as dull as a plain cracker, completely unremarkable.

You have the kind of eyes that make me wonder if you're secretly a superhero, because they're always looking upwards, as if waiting for a signal from the Mother Ship.

I've seen people with more expressive eyes on a Fisher-Price toy, and at least it's designed for toddlers.

You look like you're always looking at something that's just out of frame, and it's probably more interesting than you are.

Your eyes are so uneven, I'm starting to think you're secretly a pirate, and you lost one eye in a battle with a giant squid.

If eyes are the windows to the soul, then your soul must be a cluttered, dusty attic that nobody wants to explore.

Your eyes are so beady, they look like two shiny rat turds on your face.

I've seen better-looking eyes on a taxidermied owl, and at least it's not trying to be fashionable.

You have the kind of eyes that make me wonder if you're secretly a alien, because they're an unnatural shade of green and seem to be staring into my very soul.

I'm starting to think your eyes are actually two tiny TVs, and they're always playing reruns of The Jerry Springer Show.

You look like you're perpetually smelling a fart, and it's not even a particularly interesting fart.

Your peepers are so weak, I'm pretty sure I could stare them down and win.

I've seen people with more charisma in their eyes, and they were blind.

Your eyes are like two old, moldy bread rolls that have been left out too long.

If I had a nickel for every time I've seen eyes as dull as yours, I'd have exactly one nickel, because I've never seen anything like them before.