Eye Insults: Where 20/20 Vision Meets 0/10 Personality

Your gaze is as captivating as a glass of warm milk, completely boring.

If eyes are the windows to the soul, then your soul must be a dark, damp cave that's home to a family of bats.

Your eyes are so beady, they look like two shiny BBs that have been lodged in your skull.

You have the kind of eyes that make me wonder if you're secretly a master of disguise, because they're always changing shape and size.

Your peepers are so weak, I'm pretty sure I could blow them out with a single puff of air.

You look like you're always looking for something, and it's probably your dignity.

I'm starting to think your eyes are actually two tiny mirrors, and that's why they're always reflecting the ugliness of your soul.

Your eyes are as dull as a butter knife, completely uninteresting.

You look like you're perpetually constipated, and it's probably because you're always straining to think.

I've seen people with more expressive eyes on a Mr. Potato Head toy, and at least it's fun to play with.

I'm starting to think your eyes are actually two tiny black holes, and that's why they're always sucking the life out of the room.

You look like you're always looking for a way out, and it's probably because you're trapped in your own miserable existence.

I've seen better-looking eyes on a stuffed animal, and at least it's not trying to be stylish.

Your gaze is as captivating as a video of paint drying, completely mind-numbing.

If eyes are the windows to the soul, then your soul must be a landfill, because it's always filled with trash and garbage.

I'm starting to think your eyes are actually two tiny cameras, and that's why they're always taking pictures of the inside of your skull.

You look like you're always looking for something to complain about, and it's probably because you're always unhappy.

I've seen people with more expressive eyes on a doll, and at least it's not trying to be lifelike.

Your eyes are as dull as a plain paperclip, completely uninteresting.

Your gaze is as captivating as a bag of potato chips, completely boring.

Your gaze is as intense as a feather duster, completely underwhelming, and it's probably because you're always dusting away your own existence.

If eyes are the windows to the soul, then your soul must be a dark, damp cave that's home to a family of bats, and they're always flying around in circles.

You look like you're perpetually constipated, and it's probably because you're always straining to think, and you're always thinking about nothing.

I've seen people with more expressive eyes on a plush toy, and at least it's cuddly, and it's probably more interesting than you are.

Your peepers are so small, I'm pretty sure I could cover them with a dime and still have room to spare, and they're probably not very useful anyway.

You have the kind of eyes that make me wonder if you're secretly a genius, because they're always looking at something that's invisible to the rest of us, and it's probably because you're always thinking about nothing.

You have the kind of eyes that make me wonder if you're secretly a lizard person, because they're scaly and unblinking.

I've seen more attractive eye holes on a potato.

Your peepers are so small, I'm starting to think you're a cave-dwelling creature.

You have the eyes of a sedated sloth, completely unimpressed by life.

I'm not saying your eyes are ugly, but they make me want to donate to a charity that helps people with unfortunate facial features.

Your gaze is as empty as the promise of a timeshare salesperson.

If your eyes were any closer together, they'd be kissing.

You must be a master thief, because you're always stealing the spotlight with your atrocious eye makeup.

I've seen people with more expressive eyes on a corpse.

Your eyes are like two dull pencils, completely useless for anything except maybe poking out someone else's eye.

I'm starting to think you're secretly a cyborg, because your eyes seem to be made of a cheap, low-resolution LED screen.

You look like you stuck your finger in a socket and it backfired, leaving you with those electrified, frazzled eyes.

I've seen more life in a pair of marbles, and at least they're symmetrical.

Your eyes are so beady, they look like two shiny rat turds on your face.

If I had a nickel for every time I've seen eyes as dull as yours, I'd have exactly one nickel, because I've never seen anything like them before.

Your eyes are like two old, moldy bread rolls that have been left out too long.

I've seen people with more charisma in their eyes, and they were blind.

Your peepers are so weak, I'm pretty sure I could stare them down and win.

You look like you're perpetually smelling a fart, and it's not even a particularly interesting fart.

I'm starting to think your eyes are actually two tiny TVs, and they're always playing reruns of The Jerry Springer Show.

You have the kind of eyes that make me wonder if you're secretly a alien, because they're an unnatural shade of green and seem to be staring into my very soul.

Your gaze is as intense as a sleepy kitten, completely underwhelming.

You look like you're always looking at something that's just out of frame, and it's probably more interesting than you are.

I've seen people with more expressive eyes on a Fisher-Price toy, and at least it's designed for toddlers.

Your eyes are as dull as a plain cracker, completely unremarkable.

I've seen better-looking eyes on a mannequin, and at least it's not pretentious.