Eye Insults: Where 20/20 Vision Meets 0/10 Personality

You have the kind of eyes that make me wonder if you're secretly a alien, because they're an unnatural shade of green and seem to be staring into my very soul.

You have the kind of eyes that make me wonder if you're secretly a genius, because they're always looking at something that's invisible to the rest of us, and it's probably because you're always thinking about nothing.

Your peepers are so small, I'm pretty sure I could cover them with a dime and still have room to spare, and they're probably not very useful anyway.

I've seen people with more expressive eyes on a plush toy, and at least it's cuddly, and it's probably more interesting than you are.

Your gaze is as captivating as a bag of potato chips, completely boring.

Your eyes are as dull as a plain paperclip, completely uninteresting.

I've seen people with more expressive eyes on a doll, and at least it's not trying to be lifelike.

You look like you're always looking for something to complain about, and it's probably because you're always unhappy.

I've seen better-looking eyes on a stuffed animal, and at least it's not trying to be stylish.

You look like you're always looking for a way out, and it's probably because you're trapped in your own miserable existence.

I've seen people with more expressive eyes on a Mr. Potato Head toy, and at least it's fun to play with.

I'm starting to think your eyes are actually two tiny mirrors, and that's why they're always reflecting the ugliness of your soul.

Your peepers are so weak, I'm pretty sure I could blow them out with a single puff of air.

Your gaze is as captivating as a video of paint drying, completely mind-numbing.

I've seen better-looking eyes on a mannequin, and at least it's not pretentious.

Your eyes are as dull as a plain cracker, completely unremarkable.

Your eyes are so beady, they look like two shiny rat turds on your face.

I'm starting to think your eyes are actually two tiny TVs, and they're always playing reruns of The Jerry Springer Show.

I've seen people with more charisma in their eyes, and they were blind.

You have the kind of eyes that make me wonder if you're secretly a lizard person, because they're scaly and unblinking.

I've seen more life in a pair of marbles, and at least they're symmetrical.

I'm starting to think you're secretly a cyborg, because your eyes seem to be made of a cheap, low-resolution LED screen.

Your eyes are like two dull pencils, completely useless for anything except maybe poking out someone else's eye.

I've seen people with more expressive eyes on a corpse.

You must be a master thief, because you're always stealing the spotlight with your atrocious eye makeup.

If your eyes were any closer together, they'd be kissing.

Your gaze is as empty as the promise of a timeshare salesperson.

I'm not saying your eyes are ugly, but they make me want to donate to a charity that helps people with unfortunate facial features.

You have the eyes of a sedated sloth, completely unimpressed by life.

Your peepers are so small, I'm starting to think you're a cave-dwelling creature.

I've seen more attractive eye holes on a potato.